SURVEY: What gives you comfort?

Do you believe in a god?
Yes.

Who is your god?
Joe Pesci Gilbert Gottfried.

How often do you worship your god?
Once every fortnight.

Why only once every two weeks?
Because Joe Pesci Gilbert Gottfried is a busy god.

Do you believe in evolution?
Yes.

Why?
Because Joe Pesci Gilbert Gottfried made it so.

How did he do that?
It is a mystery.

Do you ever feel tempted to worship other gods?
Sure. Joe Pesci Gilbert Gottfried doesn't have a problem with that.

Who else do you worship as a god?
Our Lord Jesus Christ, His Holy Mother Mary, Our Father, The Lord of Us All, Jehovah, Jesus Christ, Yahweh, Sasquatch, His Blessed Mother, Mother Earth, The Great Spirit, The Muses, The Holy Ghost, Bill W., Higher Power, Mohammed, Allah, Buddha, Steve Martin, Gilbert Gottfried, Anthony Jeselnik, Norm MacDonald, Joe Pesci and Dave Barry.

Why Dave Barry? He's not a stand-up comedian like the others.
Because he can use the word booger in any context.

That is amazing.
I know. He works miracles.

Praise be to our mighty Dave Barry.
Yes.

Who created of the universe?
Teller.

Who created bureaucracy?
Penn Jillette.

How come they don't qualify as gods?
Who? Penn and Teller?

Yes.
Because it must have been some trick. Those two are always lying to us. Plus, bureaucracy is nasty crap.

Any other gods?
Yes.

Who?
George Carlin.

Is Jim Gaffigan a god too?Sure.

Why?Because, it is from Him that I took the nasty crap. Said Jim unto man, "Fruit -- good. Cake -- great. Fruitcake -- nasty crap."

What the?!Essatchly!

Are you willing to die in the name of your religion?
Joe Pesci Gilbert Gottfried is a peace-loving god. He frowns upon premature death.

Are you willing to kill in the name of your religion?
Again, Joe Pesci Gilbert Gottfried is a peace-loving god.